The Anticipated Return

I told myself I would never fall in love with a military man. I’m too selfish and they leave too much. It is just a type relationship that I wouldn’t be happy in.

Of course, I go and fall in love with my best friend who was enlisting and leaving months into our relationship. I’m not very good at listening to my own advice.

There was a tragic ending and was way too complex for me to get into right now. I have finally moved on and the love has faded, but still present. I know he still loves me too, but we had terrible timing and he isn’t anywhere near being ready for a woman like me. I’m wife material, not a casual fling.

I haven’t seen him in about 6 months and I am finally doing great without him around. When things are going well, you know they will never last, it’s just finding that exact moment when it will be tampered with.

For me, that was finding out that he is coming home in about a month. Of course I knew he would come back at some point and I used to be so excited about it, but I found a way to let that escape my mind. Now that it is approaching so soon, I am beyond nervous and even dreading it a little. Not because I am mad at him or anything, but because I’m scared that all the feelings I have worked so hard to get rid of might come rushing back to me the moment I see that goofy smile of his. We have been best friends since middle school and we promised to preserve that friendship, but he was the one who lost feelings for me before he left. Him seeing me after 6 months might feel like just seeing an old friend. But for me, the sensation could be completely different. I could see him and that passionate and deep love that I had for him could take over and cause me even more pain once he leaves again to move to the other side of the country.

I can’t just simply avoid seeing him while he is here. That would cause more problems than we already have. I wish there was a special type of armor that could protect me from myself and my inevitable emotions. I don’t want to feel love when I wont be able to share it with that person. That is the most lonely and isolating feeling you could have. I fought hard to overcome that and all that hard work could be destroyed by a small 2 week visit from one man out of the billions on this planet. It seems like such a minute problem, yet it can change my whole state of being if I let myself be vulnerable around him. Just knowing that he is coming home in a month is probably the worst part. I have no idea how to prepare for it other than to run the other way.

Sweat it Out

I have been in and out of hospitals more than most people ever see their primary care doctor. When I was born, my feet turned in and under. They call it Bilateral Club Feet. My first surgery was when I was 5 months old and I have had 5 other surgeries scattered throughout my life. It has always been my biggest challenge, but I have never stopped fighting it. I had to cut softball out of my life when I was a freshman in highschool. This was probably the most traumatic change that my feet have ever caused. Softball was my life, my outlet and my social life. All of this was whipped away by those things at the bottom of my legs that normal people don’t really even think about. I gained weight, struggled with depression and lost who I was. 

Recently, after my mental break down and much needed recovery, my mother forced me to get a personal trainer. This sounded horrible to me. I felt ugly, lost and scared. The last thing I wanted to do was to be told what to do by some skinny ass white girl. 

But damn did she change my life. I now enjoy working out, lost 30 lbs and am the strongest that I probably have ever been. Working out is so challenging in the beginning. You have no idea what you are doing and are so out of shape that you get discouraged. But I forced myself. I dreaded it most days in the beginning, but after I was finished, my mood and my energy was lifted and I felt my self esteem rising. 

I had always ignored my mom when she told me that working out feels great and she loved it. I chalked it up to her being completely bat shit crazy. I hate to say it, but she was right. It completely helps my mental health and I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror now. Probably a little too much if I’m being completely honest. It even helped my love life. Guys love a confident woman. I walk around like nothing can tear me down because that’s how much I love myself. For some reason, guys think that’s super sexy. 

I never expected working out and being physically fit to feel so good, but now I look forward to going to the gym. I even got a job at the gym I go to and am going to become a certified personal trainer! I want to help people find themselves and love who they are the way I found it through exercise. No one deserves to feel ugly in their own skin. No matter what disability you have or how little motivation you have, taking that first step will help you change the way you feel forever. 

The Beauty of Human Nature

This world is such a strange but beautiful place. We are constantly on the move so we easily fall into a negative mind-set and don’t see the true beauty in our everyday life. The most common phrase for todays society has become “I just hate people”. I am a culprit of using this phrase on multiple occasions. It just makes sense in some situations. People always seem to amaze me with some of the stupid things they do. But really, I’m just a judging bastard that thinks everything should be the way that makes sense to me. Come on, I know a lot of you reading this are the same way, we just hate admitting it because our way truly does make sense. But that might only be in our mind and the minds of the people you surround yourself with. The way humans interact and live is the most beautiful and interesting thing this world has to offer, in my opinion. We are 1 species out of the millions that surround us, but yet we act as if we are the only ones here. If you stop for a minute and really dissect the way we live, it will really change the way you think about everyday life, and possibly make you appreciate it more than we normally  do. We sit in big metal machines and push a petal to make us move and we call it a car. The interworking’s of the technology that we have established is way more complex then we treat it. We jump into our cars and just expect them to work. It’s truly amazing the type of human inventions that we use every day and don’t even think about it. The human brain is so complex and is constantly changing as generations go on.

Our intelligence and creativity sets us apart from other species, but so does the complexity of the human emotions. We feel things in a way that I believe no other species does (please let me know if I’m wrong). Our interactions and need for human connection is so interesting. We don’t do well when we are alone. Yes, we have people who are defined as introverts, but no one can fully thrive when they are alone all the time. We crave love and attention. We want someone to spend our days with and that is so damn beautiful. We search for our soul mates and are surrounded by happiness when we find them. We continue to love even when it has hurt us so much in the past. I guess that factor could actually make us seem so naïve. Or just extremely determined to find true love. I haven’t really figured out which one is correct yet. Half the time I feel like a complete idiot when I let myself love again, but the other half gets so excited to see how it will turn out. Maybe we are much more simple than I am currently making us sound. We live, work, love, mate and die. All the wonderful or terrible moments in-between might just be a part of getting us to that next step.

The craziest part of it all is that we will never know for sure. I think that’s what makes us so beautiful. We go through life blindly following a hope that we will find happiness and our purpose when we really don’t know what it might be. Whether you have a religion or not, everyone has a little faith in something that gives us the push we need to get through the shitty parts of life. We say,

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Our strength as humans is truly inspiring and we need to recognize that more. Too many people feel that they are weak. But this life tears us down so much, but we fight to reach the great moments that make it all worth it. Everyone should feel the strength in their self.  Life is worth it in the end, we will just have to wait and see what makes it worth it to each and every one of us. Because none of us are the same. We are like beautiful snowflakes wandering in the wind trying to find where we belong.

Harsh Realities of Love

Love is always seen as a beautiful and spectacular emotion felt for one-and-nother. You don’t think painful or agonizing when the word is spoken. We think of it in a blind and fairytale way. The way which we were bound to see love was created like white lies. It holds just enough information to make it believable but not enough to make it completely accurate. The harsh realities of love are only truly felt once they happen to you. When you tell someone you have fallen in love, they don’t steer you away from it and tell you that it will end poorly. They congratulate you and say they are so happy for you.

But why are they so happy? Love doesn’t always work out and usually isn’t very pleasant. Love has the power to break someone, make you physically ill and blind you of reality. Yeah I guess it has some great parts, but just to torture us, they always come after we felt all the pain.

The feeling of loving someone with your whole heart and knowing they don’t feel the same for you is the harshest of truths that are ignored. All you really want is for the one you love to return the feelings. There isn’t anything that you wouldn’t do for them and that dedication and caring is overlooked. You constantly question why they just wont love you again; you’re so good to them. But you can’t force someone to love you. Some are too scared to love because they fear its pain, and some are just to selfish to really care. Having to hold back the affection you want to give them is like trying not to blink. It takes more effort and thought not to do it then it does to just love them to the fullest.

I am in love with my best friend, Houston, who is currently in the navy. We were best friends for about 7 years before we started to date. The friendship just kept getting more intimate each time we were together this past year. It’s so easy to find yourself head over heels for your best friend. It is comfortable and fun and so intimate, both mentally and physically. Nothing beats the feeling of true and honest love. No matter how hard you try to fight it, it will still take over your mind. Bad timing is the easiest way to blow up a best friend love.

I promised myself that I would never fall in love with a military boy. Nothing against them, but I need too much attention to be a military wife. So, since life usually does the exact opposite of what you want, I reconnected with Houston just to find out that he was going into the navy. At first I was completely fine with it since I had no idea that he would kiss me let alone be the love of my life.

But now we are a thousand miles away, not together and confused like never before. He broke my heart in a million pieces, but I am so determined to make sure that our childhood friendship doesn’t die. He abandoned me in my deepest time of need but yet I would still give up my whole life for him. No matter what he does, and how he acts, I still know the true inter-workings of him and know he is scared. Scared to be hurt and alone. Or even worse, end up life his parents; miserable together and not in love. These fears are valid, so when we talked about breaking up before he left for the navy made sense to me. Break it off on a positive note and see what happens in the future. Little did i know that he would instantly shut down all feelings for me and be with other girls before we actually break up. But as much as that tore me apart, I knew that he shut off emotions so he didn’t have to deal with the pain and that deep down he still loved me.

I still have that gut intuition. It has been months since I have seen him, but I know that he misses and loves me, but him admitting that to himself will happen on his time and I have no control over it. I have to wait quietly and remain his friend, but show no signs of love and admiration towards him. Of course being his friend is much better than having our entire relationship abolished, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t painful to not be able to love him in the way I want. I can’t call him and ask how his day is and say ‘I love you’ at the end up the conversations. Making it look like the love is gone is the only way he will be able to find his emotions again. Playing hard to get is the best way to put that. If you are too eager and in love, the guy will be gone before you can even get all your thoughts out. I wish having someone fall in love with you was like sales. If you pitch the idea well, they might invest. I just want him to invest in me because I know  we would make each other so happy and have a ton of fun at the same time. I just wish I could show him that and remind him that I will never go anywhere or hurt him. I don’t want him to be scared, because he is hurting himself by not letting himself feel to the fullest. But those are all things that I’ll never be able to make him see. He has to see it and want it on his own time. I won’t stop loving him, but I can’t show it to him the way I want without freaking him out. There is nothing I can do except live my life and try not to let this overtake me.

The love drug

I haven’t felt the unique calmness that only cannabis can create in such a long time. Reunited with an old friend that brings the best out in me.

Some call it a drug. Or illegal. But I see it as a plant that helps me use different parts of my brain. I feel more, understand more, and love more. I can analyze my situation of being in love with my best friend/ex boyfriend and see that waiting around for him isn’t really living. I feel so free and relaxed in these moments of being so self-aware. Having anxiety can cause those moments to never happen, but we must embrace them when they come.

Pulling myself out of depression and anxiety was the biggest challenge of my life. Between that and a broken heart, I could cense my soul becoming ice-cold. This was my second largest challenge; Not letting myself lose the light in my eyes from the hard times I suffered. I had a few different ways to let the light back into me, and inhaling was always my best be. I could feel my emotions clearer than ever and see the beauty that lies within mother nature. I could be more aware of the positives in life that are easily forgotten. I am now remembering how much this helped me. Who knows if  I would even be here if I wasnt able to escape from my own mind.

 

You Can’t Unfeel True Love

Every day gets just a little harder. A little harder to be away from you. A little harder to smother my love for you. A little harder to get you out of my mind. And a little harder to see a future without you.

Every day I live my life as a happy and excited human being. But not far under those feelings, I know that being with you would intensify those feelings so great that I would officially be the happiest woman in the world. My life is great and living like this would be a lovely way to go about the world. But I don’t want it to just be great. I want that excitement that you give me and that fire that rages when we are together. I want that passion that we feel when we look into each other’s eyes. I want to feel that sense of safety when you hold me. That calm that comes over me when you grab my hand and tell me everything will be okay.

Every ounce of you compliments me. I am my happiest and my best self when we are together. I don’t want to damper this love any longer, because I don’t want to live a single day not enjoying the feeling of true love that consumes my heart.

Hopeless Romantic

So I met a guy.

I bet you are all thinking, big woop, nobody cares, but this is a huge deal for me after everything I have been through.

After my best friend/ex-boyfriend cheated on me, I was set on not dating for a long time and certainly not letting myself become vulnerable enough to get hurt. While I am not doing the later part, I am attempting the dating game. I have been seeing guys here and there but that was more like me using them for free drinks and sex, and dropping them when they started to like me. I know, I sound like a complete bitchy skank. But after feeling the pain that I felt, could you really blame me for how I was treating myself and the men who mistakenly wanted to take me out?

I’m not going to lie, I love sex. A lot. But it got old after a while. I was longing for cuddling and dates and someone making me feel special. Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical. I am normally a relationship person but after everything that I have been through, I was avoiding all emotions. But then I went on a date with this dude. His name is Pat and he is a ninth-grade history teacher. At first I really wasn’t feeling him. It took me a while to warm him up a bit. He was on his best behavior while I was on the other side of the table talking like a sailor. At the end of the date, he held my hand and kissed me goodbye. I don’t know many men that have the balls to hold a girl’s hand on the first date. I liked it.

I gave him a chance and saw him again and he was finally being himself. He is so nice to me and incredibly smart. He is just the kind of man that does all the things a girl dreams of. Random massages, forehead kisses, breakfast in the morning and goes out of his way to make you smile.

I thought that type of man didn’t exist other than my father, who  is amazing to my mother. So needless to say, it scared the fucking shit out of me. I was just waiting for him to ghost me, or tell me he hides dead bodies in his walls or something!

But nope. He is just a good and genuine man who likes to spoil his woman. And I guess that sorta happens to be me now. I need to take it slow, so we are still just casually dating right now, but it doesn’t feel like we have only known each other for a short amount of time.

Okay okay, I’ll stop gushing about this boy I like!

But the experience has been so eye-opening for me. Having him plan to see me and doing things that he knows I like, makes me look back at all the men that took me for granted and wonder why the hell did I ever let them treat me like I was nothing.

Now and days, I think that women settle for the love that they think they deserve (Yes I know that is a quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower) and most of them have low self-worth or self-esteem. We should be treated with all the respect and love that we give to our significant other. It doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is, but relationships can’t be one-sided.

I love, love and I am excited to see where this one goes!