Absent but Present

It seemed so effortless

Like the flip of a switch

We ended as quickly as we started

Eight years ruined by your ego

Now just an old friend

An old memory

Yet in my mind you linger

Do I inhabit yours too?

3,000 miles away

Yet so close to my broken heart

I search for someone else

To make me feel

Alive like I did with you

My sweet, gentle soul

Turned hard and cold

Senseless to other’s words

Scared of no one and nothing

Except you

Chills down my spine

As I scroll by your name

Do you get them too?

Your face appears in my dreams

Eyes cold and broken

 

Forever how you’ll be remembered

But sadly never forgotten

Generation of Savage Love

via Daily Prompt: Savage 

There are many different opinions about our most recent generation; some positive, some negative. You may have mixed feelings about the technology that has overtaken the lives of these kids or believe that they will take over the world, but many can agree that the way that we have begun to view love is absolutely savage. I am at the tail end of the Y generation so I am thrown into majority of the behaviors being seen in the teenagers of today. The one that effects and enrages me the most is how love is viewed by my age group. There is no such thing as going up to a girl at a coffee shop or the grocery store and starting conversation anymore. We are all thrown into the dating app scene where we swipe people based on their physical appearance. After that shallow step, we have generic conversations over the app and never view this person face to face unless you hit it off and decide to meet. I don’t think anyone understands how difficult it is to judge someone’s personality through a string of words. There is such a thing as being a bad texter and this leaves us at a fault because we just shrug these people off as being boring, weird or uninterested when they simple just don’t have a way with words through technology. Beyond this basic flaw of how we now expect to meet each other, we have a skewed definition of what love means. Love used to be loyalty, partnership, and respect. Now it is rare to meet someone who hasn’t been cheated on or been the one to cheat. Deceit and sexual priority has taken over our generation and is being taught to kids that this is the way one loves.

There has always been the dating game, but the game doesn’t stop at just the one night stands or the immature flirting anymore. The game has integrated into real life relationships and it is making the idea of true love a foreign concept to most. I myself am a hopeless romantic so I will hopefully never give up on the idea of finding my soul mate. That doesn’t make living in this world any easier though. I have been graced with the presence of men who only want sex and who treat me like I don’t have a brain. It makes finding someone extremely challenging. I have to sort out the savages from the rarely found gentleman. It has sadly even chilled my heart more than I ever wanted it to be. I was a sweetheart at one point. I was nice to everyone, but now I am blunt and rude to most men because of the way I have been treated in the past. It is sad that we even had to come up with a label for the type of man or woman I am speaking of. “Fuck Boys” or “Fuck Girls” are more common than not. Giving people a chance has become nearly impossible since we are all used to the fact that when a man walks up to you at a bar, he doesn’t want intelligent conversation, he wants to add you to his body count. Pure savagery. I am not saying this is soley a mans issue, but speaking from a woman’s point of view, that is all I know. I bet some women are just as horrible. I wish I grew up in a time where bold romantic gestures were a common way to show your affection towards someone. In this generation, if you don’t cheat on someone, you better get married because damn, you must love them a lot. Everything is so sexual in relationships and the romance portion is often ignored. Of course sex is a very important part of an intimate relationship, but it should not over power the rest of the characteristics that make up a healthy and functional relationship. I like to think that it will get better in time, but every generation is slightly less innocent than the one before. Maybe some day chivalry will come back in style. At least a girl can dream.

The Relief of the Final Disappointment

Disappointments are rarely seen as a positive thing. They bring our mood down and sometimes even our self-esteem when they are caused by others that we thrive to please. In the past, being disappointed or let down by my late significant other meant having a horrible day and beating myself up over something that wasn’t even my fault to begin with. It was just made to seem like I was over reacting and needy. That my friends, is an emotionally abusive relationship, which is also something that most people don’t see until they are completely out of the relationship. That being said, I use the term “late significant other” not because he is dead, but because that relationship and every tie that I was still holding onto has finally been murdered and I am the guilty party. I had let the relationship go and began to move on months ago, but I was still determined to keep the friendship that was present before everything got blown to smithereens. It took me until recently to realize that some relationships can’t be put back together the same way once they are broken. Never again will I have that best friend that I could completely be myself with and could do absolutely nothing with and still have fun because we were together. A seven-year friendship ended and the person that I used to know, no longer exists. A new soul inhabited the body that I once knew as a loving and caring best friend, and for a short time, lover. I look into his eyes now and I see nothing. There is no compassion or emotion found beneath those brown eyes. Just a dead soul remains. As much as this is a terrible tragedy, I couldn’t have asked for any better closure. My revelation occurred while I was being unknowingly disappointed for the last time. My recovery and change had come into question by him while he was home on leave for a few weeks. I hadn’t seen him for nine months, but he still felt entitled to control every aspect of our friendship. In those nine months, my life changed entirely. I don’t look the same, walk the same, speak the same or think the same. There is absolutely no way that he could know whether I, a stranger to him, had mentally changed for the better and living a healthier life. For him to even feel like he had the right to judge my recovery was utterly insulting. He made his extreme assumption solely from technology based conversations that had absolutely no insight to my personal life through the simple words being typed. My recovery is the experience that I hold the most near and dear to my heart. I am proud of the woman I have become and the process I have made in so many different aspects of my life. There was a time that I would have believed his words, with only the pathetic explanation of them coming from his mouth. I wasn’t even aware that I had been some sort of brain washed by my love for him. I tore myself down instead of standing up for myself. Hearing him discount all the work that I have put into myself make me realize that he put me down for most of the things I did. He showed me no support during my darkest time and even got angry at me when I would have anxiety. I don’t understand why I let myself be treated like that, but I am certain that no one will ever get away with it again. The most simple but accurate quote that relates to me is “we accept the love we think we deserve”. My recovery and transformation helped me find what I deserve and that was definitely not it. I hope that one day when he runs back to me, which I know he will, that I will be strong enough to reject him no matter how much he says he needs me. I pride myself in always wanting to make people happy, but some people just don’t deserve it. I find comfort in knowing that I will never be disappointed by him again.

The Unstable Cure to Loneliness 

I find myself laying next to a man 

In a bed that isn’t my own

His touch is so familiar

But filled with no compassion

Claims to be a friend

But is easily a foe

Like the cut from a blade

He is just to escape the pain

A temporary fix

It’s a game I was always told to play 

Years make me well versed in the rules 

Sexuality used like a trading piece

My dignity for your attention 

An unfair game 

That I always seem to lose 

Loneliness 1

Self worth 0

Beach Time Happiness

Today was the first time this season that I had the opportunity to go to the beach. Being able to have my toes buried in the sand and the sun gracefully touching my skin is the best feeling I could ask for. The beach is my happy place and where I can relax and let my mind calm down. There are no worries at the beach. Every day here is a better day than being in my home town. I went with a guy I am interested in and his close friend. It was a really peaceful and enjoyable day. I got a lot of time to myself when the guys went off to do their thing, and it just let me think about what makes me happy and remind myself how great I have been doing. My ex is coming home from the navy on wednesday and that has been a constant worry of mine. But the beach takes all your worries and throws them in the ocean. I’m not as worried because I know there are amazing things in life and he can’t take that away from me. I love myself and I am the happiest I think I have ever been. I am really in a great place. The beach is my medication and I just took a big dose!

The Anticipated Return

I told myself I would never fall in love with a military man. I’m too selfish and they leave too often. It is just a type relationship that I wouldn’t be happy in.

Of course, I go and fall in love with my best friend who was enlisting and leaving months into our relationship. I’m not very good at listening to my own advice.

There was a tragic ending and was way too complex for me to get into right now. I have finally moved on and the love has faded, but still present. I know he still loves me too, but we had terrible timing and he isn’t anywhere near being ready for a woman like me. I’m wife material, not a casual fling.

I haven’t seen him in about 6 months and I am finally doing great without him around. When things are going well, you know they will never last, it’s just finding that exact moment when it will be tampered with.

For me, that was finding out that he is coming home in about a month. Of course I knew he would come back at some point and I used to be so excited about it, but I found a way to let that escape my mind. Now that it is approaching so soon, I am beyond nervous and even dreading it a little. Not because I am mad at him or anything, but because I’m scared that all the feelings I have worked so hard to get rid of might come rushing back to me the moment I see that goofy smile of his. We have been best friends since middle school and we promised to preserve that friendship, but he was the one who lost feelings for me before he left. Him seeing me after 6 months might feel like just seeing an old friend. But for me, the sensation could be completely different. I could see him and that passionate and deep love that I had for him could take over and cause me even more pain once he leaves again to move to the other side of the country.

I can’t just simply avoid seeing him while he is here. That would cause more problems than we already have. I wish there was a special type of armor that could protect me from myself and my inevitable emotions. I don’t want to feel love when I wont be able to share it with that person. That is the most lonely and isolating feeling you could have. I fought hard to overcome that and all that hard work could be destroyed by a small 2 week visit from one man out of the billions on this planet. It seems like such a minute problem, yet it can change my whole state of being if I let myself be vulnerable around him. Just knowing that he is coming home in a month is probably the worst part. I have no idea how to prepare for it other than to run the other way.

Sweat it Out

I have been in and out of hospitals more than most people ever see their primary care doctor. When I was born, my feet turned in and under. They call it Bilateral Club Feet. My first surgery was when I was 5 months old and I have had 5 other surgeries scattered throughout my life. It has always been my biggest challenge, but I have never stopped fighting it. I had to cut softball out of my life when I was a freshman in highschool. This was probably the most traumatic change that my feet have ever caused. Softball was my life, my outlet and my social life. All of this was whipped away by those things at the bottom of my legs that normal people don’t really even think about. I gained weight, struggled with depression and lost who I was. 

Recently, after my mental break down and much needed recovery, my mother forced me to get a personal trainer. This sounded horrible to me. I felt ugly, lost and scared. The last thing I wanted to do was to be told what to do by some skinny ass white girl. 

But damn did she change my life. I now enjoy working out, lost 30 lbs and am the strongest that I probably have ever been. Working out is so challenging in the beginning. You have no idea what you are doing and are so out of shape that you get discouraged. But I forced myself. I dreaded it most days in the beginning, but after I was finished, my mood and my energy was lifted and I felt my self esteem rising. 

I had always ignored my mom when she told me that working out feels great and she loved it. I chalked it up to her being completely bat shit crazy. I hate to say it, but she was right. It completely helps my mental health and I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror now. Probably a little too much if I’m being completely honest. It even helped my love life. Guys love a confident woman. I walk around like nothing can tear me down because that’s how much I love myself. For some reason, guys think that’s super sexy. 

I never expected working out and being physically fit to feel so good, but now I look forward to going to the gym. I even got a job at the gym I go to and am going to become a certified personal trainer! I want to help people find themselves and love who they are the way I found it through exercise. No one deserves to feel ugly in their own skin. No matter what disability you have or how little motivation you have, taking that first step will help you change the way you feel forever.