Stranger Love

I lay here alone

And I wish you were here

Who is you I speak of?

Truly anyone who’s near

Ease my loneliness

And be gone when morning comes

Don’t want to hurt you too

Just pull me out of my slums


Temporary Company

Have you ever felt wanted

But in all the wrong ways?

I am their latest craving

But is it just for today?

They all come crawling

But I know they won’t stay

The bad ending is obvious

But I’ll say yes anyways

The Boundlessly Unsatisfied

My eyes wide open

But overwhelming heavy

The flooding of emotion

Tires my weakened soul

My cravings constantly changing

But boundlessly unsatisfied

Longing the touch of another

Until ones skin caresses mine

Then freedom haunts my souls

Until completely left alone

The thrill of what I lack

Controls my confused mind

I run from what I poses

To approach my next prey

Whether a man or just a feeling

All should stay far away

Forgotten Again

You were 99% sure

Sure I was the one

The distance ruined our last chance

And drove us a little crazy

In just a few months

That 1% was found

And the hope for a future

Disappeared as fast as the tears fell

What I expected

I truly don’t know

All you remember was my worst self

I would have forgotten too

The laughs don’t sounds as vibrant

In the distant memories

When the cries overpower my smile

Angry Relapse

Tonight I had the worst panic attack of my life. It was about 45 minutes of hell. The emotions were so complex that I didn’t even know where to begin to handle it. Normally I have a method. Depending on the trigger, I have different activities I do to bring myself to a calm state. But nothing I tried even scratched the surface. The anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, and stress was coursing through my veins like fire. It tears me apart to say this, but due to my lack of coping skills for that particular moment, I relapsed. I hadn’t cut in about 2 years. The fact that this was the day, and my roommate was the trigger infuriates me. I promised myself I wouldn’t let people control my emotions enough to put myself in danger. I guess none of us can be perfect.

I was angry all day and not knowing why or how to calm it down. It was the vicious anger that people shouldn’t be around you for. I tried to distance myself from people as much as possible so my cruel undertones didn’t come out, but my roommate who I have been having a lot of issues with just wouldn’t listen to me when I told her I couldn’t handle the fight tonight. I was afraid that the more she screamed at me, the more I would rip her apart, but she took that as a challenge. Turns out I didn’t rip her apart, I just completely fell apart. People yelling at me has been a trigger since my I was with Houston. I used to ease the panic attack with cleaning but this was a different bread. I had just broken up with Collin last week (or more like ran away per usual) and though that sounds like it shouldn’t upset me too much, it really did. I’m brokenhearted that I couldn’t make it work. The idea of ending up alone is more real than ever. I leave the ones who love me but still want to be loved. I’m an endless cycle of misery. I guess it was just a matter of time before I cracked again. I just really wish I could have been stronger for myself. I’m all I got in this world.

Saddened But Guilty

I lie here and miss you

Tho I’m the one who fled

To protect you from my soul

Which is as toxic as lead

You treated me like a queen

And wrote music from the heart

Thought I was different from the others

But yet, I tore you apart

Vivid Takeover

I have been having nightmares. But not the traditional ‘run for your life’ type of nightmare. While I am asleep, I’m not scared but rather happy and excited. They usually start with my current boyfriend and I running into my ex and his girlfriend. It’s always slightly awkward but I am secretly trying to run into them as much as possible throughout the dream. Each dream has a different spin to its ending, but yesterdays horrifying ending seemed like something from a romance movie. He confessed that I was the one and that we should leave our current significant others and be together. It all felt so real and genuine that I woke up thinking that he must still love me and that I should be with him. Why do our minds trick us into seeing people, who have hurt us so much, as good people. I know he will never love me again, and if he did, he would still treat me horribly. I want the idea of him to leave my mind for good. I have an amazing relationship with Collin and I don’t want anything to do with my ex. But after these dreams, I feel so drawn to who he used to be that I have to fight reaching out to him. Thankfully, Collin came over just in time yesterday so I couldn’t act on those idiotic and false feelings. I cried in his arms for about 30 minutes and kept crying out that I wanted it all out of my head and leave me alone. That poor man is so good and understanding of what I have been through. I don’t think I deserve him but I love having him in my life. It just seems so fucked up that I am dreaming about leaving him for my ex. I feel like I am cheating even though I can’t control my dreams and I would never do that to him in real life. I know my worth, so I don’t know why I flee back to someone who caused me so much pain and trauma, even if it is just a dream. I am going to be trying different essential oils for when I nap so maybe this wont happen anymore, but its honestly just so scary to think that he still controls my mind after everything he did and after such a long time. I want to be able to start a life with Collin in the next year or so, but I don’t want my past to effect the way he sees me and the way I handle situations. I have already caught myself questioning his love for me and accusing him of going to leave me which isn’t fair to him. He hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him, and he shows me love all the time. The past just gets in my head and skews my way of thinking. He isn’t like the rest. And he wont leave like the others. So why do I get such strong feelings that he will leave?

Tortured Soul

My eyelids fly open

As the tears rush down my face

Illustrated so clearly

The dream feels like real life

Thoughts of not being good enough

Still haunt me late at night

To see his disproving face

Even when I shut them tight

Is the definition of torture

That a broken girl can’t undercut

I fear the man beside me

Will fall into the mold

Of the only love I know

That breaks my heart and soul

Healing Heart

The pains so far

But still the bitterness remains

Like it was just yesterday

I was bleeding on the floor

Gasping for breath

Not knowing what to do next

Masking the sadness with a laugh

But desperately craving your touch

While lacking a sense of purpose

I fluttered from one bed to the next

Hoping to find my place

But then the switch got flipped

That once dark world

Became full of light

My dreams close enough to grasp

And the poison of your touch

Slowly drained from my heart

He walked into my life

And you began to dissolve

I was reminded of my worth

Something that you never saw

That you never wanted me to see

He holds my shield

While I search for pieces of me

Shattered like glass

And hidden by your ego

But finally I have decided

To heal myself

To close those doors

That lead to darkness

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