On days like this, I picture myself on an island far away from my real life and all human interaction. The island is quiet with only the sound of animals communicating with each other. No one who I have ever crossed paths with is there to clutter the atmosphere with pointless drama and conflict. There are no worries other than which animal I will hang out with that day. Animals are much more simplistic than humans. They cater to their basic needs and mate. That is about it. Of course they play with each other but they aren’t concerned about petty things like us humans are. This island is the place I go to let my mind escape stress and pain. The thing I am learning the most about humans recently is that they will always let you down. No matter how confident you are in a person, they will never be able to live up to the expectations that you hold them to and they may even stop caring about you all together. Although this is a cynical thought, it is necessary to have in the back of your head when interacting with people. If you live life being naive and expecting everyone to perfectly live up to your standards, then you are sure to get hurt. Humans are flawed creatures. In my opinion they are more flawed than most other species. We create situations like war and hate. When was the last time that you saw a bunch of white dogs beating up only black dogs? Or the other way around. I am not saying that animals don’t have their conflicts, but majority of the time it has to do with one of those basic needs that they tend to. They fight over food, or a mate; not the modernized problems that we have now. Animals are much more independent and self reliant. It’s time I learn from them.
You say you want to know how I feel? How I really feel? Well here it fucking is. I feel like we were actually good friends once. We hung out and you were there to listen to me when I was having panic attacks and we just drove around and talked about how the world is such a shitty place. I feel like you knew me and how people have treated me in the past and how it’s really hard for me to trust anyone who comes into my life. Not just significant others but friends in general. You understood why I had a wall up and why I was an asshole to you for so damn long. But then I actually let that wall down and let myself care about you and accept your friendship. I started feeling safe with you because you had already seen how easily it is for me to get hurt. But once I opened up, it felt like that when you stopped caring. You stopped asking how I am or wanting to hang out with me. I have tried to have meaningful conversation with you again and it just goes nowhere. I feel like I don’t matter to you as a friend at all. Like my presence is indifferent to you. You leaving me behind at the bar was just the breaking point to me really seeing it. I never expected you to put me before yourself, but leaving me, who was stoned and drunk, with your creepy friends without even asking if I was cool with it just didn’t settle well with me. I understand that you may not have realized that I was uncomfortable or even thought that it would be a weird situation since you aren’t a girl who has been assaulted in a car by a “friend”, but I didn’t expect you to fight me so hard on it when I tried to talk to you about it. I’m not good at dealing with conflicts that involve my feelings because people always tell me I am over reacting and that is exactly how you handled it. But these are my feelings. I can’t change them. I wish it wasn’t a big deal to me and that I wasn’t scared shitless in that car on the way home, but I was. So I guess my main question is, why have you discounted me a friend? I don’t understand what I did to deserve that.
The topic of blue balls would never normally be seen with the idea of burnt retinas, but let me loose in a bar for a night and the conversations I have with strangers will make your grandmother blush!
You know how in the movies, all the friends meet up at the same bar all the time? Well I have a place like that. There is this one spot in my town that is the most relaxing but sociable place for my best friend and I to go. It is a corner tavern that always has stellar food and unique craft beers on draft. The vibe is chill and has a laid back hipster atmosphere. People of all different types come in and out of this bar but it feels like such a small community. We are all there for the same reason; good beer, good music and good company.
Valerie and I have some friends who we regularly see there and who have introduced us to some pretty interesting people. The other night we went out just to have a causal girls night. I guess you could say it is our way of feeling social. We ran into this guy who we had met the week before that particularly peaked my interest. He was a man a little taller than me, maybe like 5 ft 8” or so, his arms littered with tattoos in a way that you could tell they told a story. He wore a backpack that he looked intriguingly attached to and a beard that hung almost to the bottom of his throat. Hearing this description, one might think he is bad news and a sketchy figure due to the tattoos and beard. But to me, the focus wasn’t on the obvious eye catching characteristic of this man. I was drawn in by the way he held himself with confidence and smiled at you like he has known you for years. This spiked my interest and pulled me deeper into the conversation. There was just something about him that I wanted to figure out. We bantered back and forth like it was second nature. My sassy side was just enough for his smart ass side. Our first meeting was brief but I definitely made myself memorable. The next time, he came over and sat with us and the three of us talked and laughed for hours. The conversation was continuous and in-depth. There aren’t many people that Valerie and I find are able to hold an in depth conversation for this long. I am known for being a talker so having great conversation is something I always strive for.
The conversation bounced from topic to topic. Traveling seemed to be the stem of most of the random thoughts. Ray is a 30 year old army vet who has traveled the world and was full of cultural knowledge. A picture of a monkey with large blue balls that my parents took while they were on safari in South Africa hangs in my basement and is extremely eye catching to all of our guests. When I found out he has been to South Africa, my curiosity took over and I needed to know if he had seen a monkey like this on his adventures. Like most, confusion filled his face at the thought of monkey’s with blue balls. The question of whether I meant the sensation of blue balls or the physical color became quickly apparent. You would think that having a conversation with a stranger about blue balls would be odd or awkward, but the conversation and laughter continued to flow as it had been all night. We learned a lot from him without even knowing it. He talked about his experience in Antarctica and how he would love to go back there even though while he was there, they had 24 hours of daylights which was inconvenient for sleeping. His retinas are apparently still recovering from burning while trying to sleep. As a person who makes most situations seem overly extreme, I appreciated the drama he added to his stories.
The conversing and connection between random people is a very underrated interaction. Many people enjoy staying in their own little bubble and seeing what the want to see but they are missing out on some of the most beautiful people in the world. Every human has their own life story and experiences that may not ever be apart of your personal story. I personally will never be in the army and get deployed to Afghanistan. Although fate is unknown, I am very certain that I will never find myself down that path. You know, that foot disability really makes it inconvenient to be a soldier. But hearing the stories of others gives you the opportunity to see life in a completely different light. Closing your mind to the world is like closing your eyes while walking through an art museum. You are missing the beauty that is right in front of you.
Last year was a nightmare for me. Every bad habit that I had ever experienced surfaced and took over my life. I was binge eating at night, I was purging, I was self-harming. I had no one to talk to so they felt like the easiest way to fix the depression and the non-existing self-esteem. Quick bursts of power and an irrational sense of control. Of course it never made me feel better for long. I still felt fat and was internally sad. I left school and got the mental help that was much needed, but before that, my mom forced me to get a personal trainer.
I trained twice a week with two different women. I hated every second of it since I was forced to get out of bed and stop laying in my depression. My anger toward training only lasted for about two weeks. After that, I started to look forward to each session. My relationships with the trainers grew and I left the gym feeling energized and happier then when I got there. That is when the fitness monster began to grow.
I never expected myself to love to work out. I used to hate every second of my work outs. I would do 20 minutes on the elliptical and give up. That was before my trainers changed the way I looked at fitness. They came up with more exercises that I could do that my foot disability didn’t hold me back from. They were extremely hard workouts but only because they knew I could do it. I pushed myself to a place that I never thought I could be. I lost 30 lbs. between November and February. I look and feel like a completely different person. I continue to train so I stay on top of it and can become an even stronger woman.
Somewhere in-between sweating and shedding weight, I found a complete love for fitness. I loved the atmosphere of the gym and how I felt during and after my workouts. I wanted to be there all the time. So I got a job there. I just work at the fitness desk at the moment, but I am studying to be a personal trainer so I can spread the happiness that being fit brings to a person. I love my body now and I think everyone should be able to look in the mirror and be like “hot damnnnn”. I want to help people reach their goals and live a happier and healthy life.
My next goal is to lose 10 more lbs. and become stronger than ever, before October 25th. That is the day that I go to the SCW Fitness Conference. It is also the day that I take my personal training exam. I want to be completely ready for this next career step and be able to give my all at each conference session. The more I learn and experience, the better I will be at helping others achieve their goals. I am so excited that fitness found me especially in my darkest time when I really didn’t have anyone. It saved me and made me a better person. I hope it continues to positively impact lives and I’m proud to be apart of that.
Some nights I miss him. Some nights I feel like just one innocent call to see how he is won’t hurt. Some nights I’m blind to all the pain he put me though and the fear he left me alone in.
That night was last night. Why is it that our brains can think so logically and know that talking to him is toxic but yet my heart seems to overtake it and scream louder. I can still see his face from the moment I called him out for cheating. That fake regret and apologetic look is plastered into my mind forever. But some nights like this, that image can get skewed into a different light. The false concern disappears and all of a sudden it’s the most sincere look he has ever given.
There is always a choice that can be made; replay the happy moments or replay the moments he tore you down and made you feel worthless. Honestly, neither of those options sound good to me and I’d rather just forget about him all together. The fact that it has been 10 months and I still think about him everyday leads me to believe that forgetting isn’t going to happen anytime soon. The problem with the positive memories is that you forget why you aren’t together anymore and want what you used to have. That doesn’t mean the right choice is to replay the shittiness that came from the person you once loved. I don’t know about you, but what happened to me was complete shit and tore down my self image and independence. I would prefer to never feel like a burden and second choice ever again.
So what the hell do I do? Either way I want to punch him in the throat for ever walking back into my life. But that doesn’t solve any problems. I tell myself that I don’t want to know anything about him. I haven’t talked to him since he moved across the country and I don’t even know how he likes it there. But I think I am lying to myself. Maybe I do want to know how he is; if he made any friends, where he is at in training and if he likes his job or even if the naval station is cool. He is on my mind excessively and I can’t imagine that it is healthy. I have moved on, but how do I get him out of my head? It’s not even like I am longing to be with him. I just think of him throughout the day when I hear a song that he would like, or anything reminds me of an old memory. I have known him for like 8 years so we have a shit ton of memories together. I get angry when I think about him majority of the time, but other times it just hurts. Not because it didn’t work out between us, that’s just life, but because it is horrible to think I’m not good enough to be treated like a human being with feelings. Because all the things he did made me feel like a lesser person and that hurts your soul longer than moving on from the douche who tore you down. Maybe this will all go away when I find a new man who actually treats me well.
Being single in your early twenties can be a freeing experience. You have nothing keeping you in one spot and no one holding you back from being the best you. Many people use this as an excuse to “bone and bounce”. That’s my obnoxious way of modernizing the one night stand.
For the hopeless romantic like myself, that part of the social life goes a little differently. For a short period of time, I attempted the meaningless sex approach, but it was absolutely not for me. This girl likes to be cuddled like it’s the middle of winter and our body heat is the only thing we have to keep warm.
That being said, I have been on the prowl for a man who I can have fun with but who will also treat me well for once. Believe it or not, society has made it very hard for us to make these connections with people. Against my better judgement, I have been meeting people off the app Bumble. I think the worst part of that statement is the fact that I had to say people, as in more than one. For a while I was enjoying the dating game. Going out there and meeting new people and seeing if we have a connection, but at this point, it is getting so tiring and frustrating. I feel like I am a professional at first dates. I don’t even get nervous to meet these guys anymore. Since these are basically blind dates, I always take them to the same restaurant/bar that is close to my house because I love the food and I feel safe there. The only good thing about have failed date after failed date is that I get a free meal and free beer out of it. Well, not every time, but majority of guys offer to pay even though I am very capable of paying for myself. I know that looking forward to the free meal is completely shallow, but these guys I meet are all duds. I keep trying because you never know what will happen when you first sit down on the date. Some are obnoxiously sexual and are only looking for something physical and some have so little depth in their conversations that they could bore a rock. It is such a hard process because you can’t really see someones personality through just texting and creepily stalking their Facebook page.
I wish that finding the love of your life was as easy as the movies make it seem. They just bump into each other on the street and there is an instant connection. People are always so scared to show their true selves to people. Emotions have become a bad thing to have and love is seen as a weakness. If you know me, you know that I don’t hide any feelings. I am such a blunt person that no one has to question what I am feeling or even thinking. If I like you, I am going to ask you out. Plain and simple. I don’t find a purpose for all the games that go along with dating. I will never understand why people are more interested in you when you show no interest in them. The concept of wanting what you can’t have has been taken to the extreme.
The easiest and most obviously solution to my irritation would be just to stop trying and not worry about dating right now. That sounds very relaxing, but I think the frustration will be worth it some day. I love having a man by me to share things with; experiences, thoughts, laughs. It isn’t that I don’t like being alone, because I absolutely love my alone time. I just personally find that experiences are so much better when you have someone to share them with. I hope that some day I will find that man who vibes with me in just the right way. Until then, I have all you beautiful people to share things with! 🙂
It seemed so effortless
Like the flip of a switch
We ended as quickly as we started
Eight years ruined by your ego
Now just an old friend
An old memory
Yet in my mind you linger
Do I inhabit yours too?
3,000 miles away
Yet so close to my broken heart
I search for someone else
To make me feel
Alive like I did with you
My sweet, gentle soul
Turned hard and cold
Senseless to other’s words
Scared of no one and nothing
Chills down my spine
As I scroll by your name
Do you get them too?
Your face appears in my dreams
Eyes cold and broken
Forever how you’ll be remembered
But sadly never forgotten