Loveless Self

She longs for his love

so she can feel love for herself.

The way she should

without his approval.

Without his compliments.

That beautiful soul shines

all by itself.

She craves attention

from those who have none to give.

She shatters her spine just to

please others.

But no one ever tries to please her.

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Anniversary of Going Crazy

Happy Anniversary to me!! Last year around this time, I was just graduating from my day program at the mental hospital that saved my life. I used to be so ashamed that my life went in the direction that it did, but now I am unbelievable proud of myself for not giving up and getting through the hell of depression and anxiety. I almost gave up so many times. I didn’t think that I was going to see my 22nd birthday. Now here I am, living my life completely healthy and happier than ever before! The transformation is like no other. I never expected when I walked into those hospital doors the first day that I would leave after 2 weeks a completely different person. I can actually enjoy the moments that I am in without having anxiety over future plans. I live in the moment without the need to plan and control everything and everyone around me. The freedom from myself is truly life changing. I celebrate not only the big things in life, but also the small ones. My recovery is something that I will celebrate by shouting about it from the roof tops and helping others find their voice to ask for help. No one is alone. Even when you don’t have anyone in your life to talk to. So many of us are out here willing to help and support those who are like us but don’t have that support system. Don’t be scared to reach out! Whats the worst that could happen?

Friendzoned

Some days I wish I was that girly girl who doesn’t keep up with the guys and is a proper lady. Being friends with all the guys can get very inconvenient. I have been called a “bro with a vagina” and my guy friends don’t hold anything back when I’m around, because they count me as one of them.

Falling for one of them is probably the worst thing you could do. They see you as a friend and just a friend. I have been crushing on this guy probably since April. Our friendship has grown and we hang out and have movie nights and can talk about literally everything. But I have fallen and damn it, I can’t get back up. I need one of those life alert buttons. We went to see the new Thor movie last night and the whole time I was thinking about holding his hand. I feel like an eighth grader with a juvenile crush. I hang out with other guys hoping that I will forget how much I’m into him, but I would honestly probably drop everything if he hit me up. It’s actually sort of pathetic. I am friendzoned and don’t have the balls to make a move so I can get out of that zone. How does one even begin to do that?

Until I figure out how to either make this go away or get him to notice me, I’ll be stuffing my face with this banana nut bread that my co-worker brought in. Cheers and happy Monday!

Little Orange Pill

No one likes to be controlled. Or at least there is a limit to how much a person will take before it gets to be too much. But what if the only way to be happy is to be under control of something?

I have been prescribed a high dose of anti-depressants that I have been on for officially a year now. Every morning I wake up and take my two pills, an orange one and a smaller blue one, before I go off and take on the day. I used to worship these pills because they finally made me feel normal and gave me the opportunity to find happiness inside myself. I gave them credit for my recovery and would panic if I forgot to take them on time. I was controlled by them.

A few weeks ago, my life became very hectic because I was in the mists of moved out of my parents house and it all happened so fast that it was challenging to keep up. There were a few days in a row that I forgot to take my meds. I was honestly just waiting to feel myself crash to my low like I normally did when I skipped even one day. But for some reason, this didn’t happen. So in my head I thought, “Wow, I’m doing so great. Maybe I don’t need these anymore” and I stopped them for about a week. Just in case you get bored and don’t continue reading this, know that stopping meds randomly is the dumbest thing you could possibly do.

At first I was really proud of myself. It has been about a year since I was a full on mess and a half, and I thought that maybe it would be time to come off of them anyways. I embraced the fact that I was enjoying moments without my control pills. That certainly did not last long. After a few days, it was extremely hard for me to focus on anything and I was unable to plan out simple tasks. My motivation plummeted and I found myself not wanting to be in social situations and avoided going out as much as I could. It was spot on to how my depression started last year. I slept a lot and never went out of my comfort zone. I used to be totally against stopping my meds unless a doctor told me to, but now I understand how people can stop them and get much worse. The depression gradually snuck back into my life and I almost didn’t see it happening. I was ridiculously dizzy and foggy over the past few days, and if I didn’t recognize that as a symptom of not having my meds, I could be much further down the deep dark hole of depression by now.

While I was in the day program, I encountered many folks who stopped taking their meds which had caused them to end up back there. I never understood why you would stop taking something that makes you feel better. I guess to me, I thought I was doing better. I thought that I could handle society without the help of that little orange pill. But I have a disorder. It is a chemical imbalance in my brain that isn’t just going to go away because I learned how to be calm in situations that I used to panic in. That isn’t how this works. A diabetic wouldn’t stop taking their insulin just because they feel better. They feel better BECAUSE of the the insulin. Being in recovery will always be challenging no matter how far into it I am. I feel like I am finally me again and have the opportunity to be happy. But it is easy to let that feeling take over and do too much without making time to care for yourself. I might never be “normal”, but at least I am aware of what I need to be happy and live my life to the fullest. Recovery doesn’t have an end time. It is an ongoing process of being self-aware.

True Identity

For years, I thought that I had a clear identity. I was that fun and happy girl that everyone went to with their problems. I was dependable and caring. I even was known for constantly smiling and laughing at everything. It took me years to discover that I had been faking it all. I was lying about who I was for so long that I eventually started to believe it. I threw that smile on my face because I knew that’s what people wanted to see. I laughed at everything because laughter is contagious and make others feel good. I was living my life and constructing my identity around pleasing others. The man who I thought was the love of my life, fell in love with that constructed identity. But did he even know the true me? Once I got comfortable with him and started showing my flaws and not smiling as much, he ran as fast as he could. Some people don’t want to see you for who you really are because sometimes the truth hurts. Being happy and easy-going is the most attractive quality to others because everyone is so selfish in their relationships. I don’t say that to be bitter, I say it to speak the truth. Humans are selfish creatures and don’t want to be bothered with others who pull the attention away from their spotlight. Strong selfish feelings can usually stem from being insecure with your own identity.

For the longest time, I avoided finding myself by focusing all my effort on other people. Those people where not ones who cared about my wellbeing. Last year was when I stayed away from what I was used to, and focused all my energy on myself. I lost a lot of friends in the process since I wasn’t around to solve their problems for them, but it was truly the best thing I have ever done. I dove into my inner self to discover what makes me who I am and what I need to do for myself to be happy.

People can’t be a part of your identity. Your Identity is a personal description of yourself and only you can create it. People who enter your life are part of your story, but do not make up who you are as a person. Once you can realize this at a deeper level, accepting that people will come in and out of your life like a revolving door becomes easier. I used to think that without him, I was nothing. I was extremely wrong. Without him, I am so much more than I have ever been. I have lifted myself up from after being knocked down for so long and that’s when I was able to reach my highest potential. Defining your identity within is the key to a successful and happy life.

 

via Daily Prompt: Identity

Anonymous Love

I have always had a love-hate relationship with this new ability to hide from your emotions through a screen or device. It has certainly come in handy when dealing with confrontation or sharing painful feelings with another. But on the other side of this, it can be quite frustrating. Especially when someone is confessing their love through an anonymous source.

Many of you might be familiar with the app Sarahah. This is where you can share your opinions or feelings about someone to that person without giving away your identity. It honestly sounds terrifying so I am not quite sure why I had the inclination to download this, but I did.

So the other night, I was sitting by a bonfire with some friends when I got this anonymous message from what seems like a friend of mine. The message said:

“I only wanted to get physical at first… But I eventually fell in love with you:) I wish I could say that to you in person. You are a great human being… Stay happy”

Of course, I was extremely shocked by this. I had no idea that there was someone out there that had any sort of feelings for me. I can’t seem to figure out who this mystery man is and it is driving me insane. There is one person that I have always had feelings for that I want it to be, but I was under the impression that he was still fighting for his ex, so I doubt it was him. I brought it up in conversation with him yesterday to see if he would confess but of course he didn’t. I can’t shake the feeling of how great it would be if it was him though. We are just friends; well I’m his friend, and he is my secret crush, but we talk about basically everything with no filter which is fantastic. But who knows, he could see me as just a sister.

If that is the case, then who is this mystery man who is apparently in love with me? I can’t get in contact with him at all, so I can’t even talk him into sharing his identity with me. What is a girl supposed to do with this information? Just walking around possibly having just spoken to someone who is head over heels in love with me, without even knowing it was him. As a hopeless romantic, I want this person to step forward and do something. Maybe not confess his love to me, but at least ask me out or something. Because for all I know, he could be my soul mate and he is wasting time being intimidated by me.

Needless to say, I am going to end up driving myself crazy looking for this guy. Comment if you have any tips on how to stalk an unknown person. If not, wish me luck!

Best One Yet

It’s September 29th and the morning air is beginning to get cooler and the cicadas are out chirping. The first signs of fall are beginning to surface and the summer heat dulls as each night progresses. As I sit outside on this swing and drink my tea, I start to really think about how relaxed I feel and how this summer has been so amazing. Everyone needs to take time to reflect on who they are, and who they want to be. I had the opportunity to do that this summer. With the winter being so hectic and everything up in the air, it was nice being able to smooth everything out and really figure out what I am doing. I don’t have the stress of school on my shoulders yet and I am finally working 2 out of 3 jobs that I enjoy. I can really express myself through working at the gym and interning for a wedding planner. The only stress that I have is about money since I took a pay cut to incorporate these new career paths into my life. But the happiness that I am filled with is much more important than a solid cash flow.

I worked really hard to better myself this summer, but I also got to have a lot of fun. My best friend Valerie and I went on adventure after adventure and really embraced the fact that we live 2 minutes away from each other again. From sky diving to cliff jumping to just hanging out at our favorite bar listening to open mic night, there was never a dull moment. Life can really be enhanced by the people you experience it with. Having Valerie by my side for every hard decision and every tequila shot was so comforting and thrilling. We did things that were out of our comfort zone and grew as individuals as well as friends.

Friendship is a beautiful thing and I am a strong believer that everyone should have one close best friend. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the few I have are amazing. They are my true family. They say that opposites attract, and I can definitely see that as being true. Valerie is an introvert and basically a cat lady. I am a social butterfly who feeds off of other people. Together, we even each other out and learn something new everyday from the other. We pick up the slack that we both carry. She cuts me off when I am talking too much and I get her out of conversations that she doesn’t want to be apart of. Friendship is all about balance and I am fortunate that after 8 years of friendship, we still have that balance and it has grown stronger than ever.

Somehow this summer post turned into me praising my best friend for being so awesome. But I truly wouldn’t have had the best summer of my life if it weren’t for her. Granted I did go out with a lot of different men and was a little more free spirited than I probably should have been, but now that summer is over, that is going to change. I want to settle down with someone. Actually find love because I think I am ready. After using this summer to put back the pieces of my entire heart and soul, I am ready to stop playing the broken and damaged girl. I am stronger than I ever knew and I’m ready to find my complete happiness. I just hope that the world continues to act in my favor!

Cheers to the best summer ever!