Disappointments are rarely seen as a positive thing. They bring our mood down and sometimes even our self-esteem when they are caused by others that we thrive to please. In the past, being disappointed or let down by my late significant other meant having a horrible day and beating myself up over something that wasn’t even my fault to begin with. It was just made to seem like I was over reacting and needy. That my friends, is an emotionally abusive relationship, which is also something that most people don’t see until they are completely out of the relationship. That being said, I use the term “late significant other” not because he is dead, but because that relationship and every tie that I was still holding onto has finally been murdered and I am the guilty party. I had let the relationship go and began to move on months ago, but I was still determined to keep the friendship that was present before everything got blown to smithereens. It took me until recently to realize that some relationships can’t be put back together the same way once they are broken. Never again will I have that best friend that I could completely be myself with and could do absolutely nothing with and still have fun because we were together. A seven-year friendship ended and the person that I used to know, no longer exists. A new soul inhabited the body that I once knew as a loving and caring best friend, and for a short time, lover. I look into his eyes now and I see nothing. There is no compassion or emotion found beneath those brown eyes. Just a dead soul remains. As much as this is a terrible tragedy, I couldn’t have asked for any better closure. My revelation occurred while I was being unknowingly disappointed for the last time. My recovery and change had come into question by him while he was home on leave for a few weeks. I hadn’t seen him for nine months, but he still felt entitled to control every aspect of our friendship. In those nine months, my life changed entirely. I don’t look the same, walk the same, speak the same or think the same. There is absolutely no way that he could know whether I, a stranger to him, had mentally changed for the better and living a healthier life. For him to even feel like he had the right to judge my recovery was utterly insulting. He made his extreme assumption solely from technology based conversations that had absolutely no insight to my personal life through the simple words being typed. My recovery is the experience that I hold the most near and dear to my heart. I am proud of the woman I have become and the process I have made in so many different aspects of my life. There was a time that I would have believed his words, with only the pathetic explanation of them coming from his mouth. I wasn’t even aware that I had been some sort of brain washed by my love for him. I tore myself down instead of standing up for myself. Hearing him discount all the work that I have put into myself make me realize that he put me down for most of the things I did. He showed me no support during my darkest time and even got angry at me when I would have anxiety. I don’t understand why I let myself be treated like that, but I am certain that no one will ever get away with it again. The most simple but accurate quote that relates to me is “we accept the love we think we deserve”. My recovery and transformation helped me find what I deserve and that was definitely not it. I hope that one day when he runs back to me, which I know he will, that I will be strong enough to reject him no matter how much he says he needs me. I pride myself in always wanting to make people happy, but some people just don’t deserve it. I find comfort in knowing that I will never be disappointed by him again.
The Relief of the Final Disappointment