The Anticipated Return

I told myself I would never fall in love with a military man. I’m too selfish and they leave too much. It is just a type relationship that I wouldn’t be happy in.

Of course, I go and fall in love with my best friend who was enlisting and leaving months into our relationship. I’m not very good at listening to my own advice.

There was a tragic ending and was way too complex for me to get into right now. I have finally moved on and the love has faded, but still present. I know he still loves me too, but we had terrible timing and he isn’t anywhere near being ready for a woman like me. I’m wife material, not a casual fling.

I haven’t seen him in about 6 months and I am finally doing great without him around. When things are going well, you know they will never last, it’s just finding that exact moment when it will be tampered with.

For me, that was finding out that he is coming home in about a month. Of course I knew he would come back at some point and I used to be so excited about it, but I found a way to let that escape my mind. Now that it is approaching so soon, I am beyond nervous and even dreading it a little. Not because I am mad at him or anything, but because I’m scared that all the feelings I have worked so hard to get rid of might come rushing back to me the moment I see that goofy smile of his. We have been best friends since middle school and we promised to preserve that friendship, but he was the one who lost feelings for me before he left. Him seeing me after 6 months might feel like just seeing an old friend. But for me, the sensation could be completely different. I could see him and that passionate and deep love that I had for him could take over and cause me even more pain once he leaves again to move to the other side of the country.

I can’t just simply avoid seeing him while he is here. That would cause more problems than we already have. I wish there was a special type of armor that could protect me from myself and my inevitable emotions. I don’t want to feel love when I wont be able to share it with that person. That is the most lonely and isolating feeling you could have. I fought hard to overcome that and all that hard work could be destroyed by a small 2 week visit from one man out of the billions on this planet. It seems like such a minute problem, yet it can change my whole state of being if I let myself be vulnerable around him. Just knowing that he is coming home in a month is probably the worst part. I have no idea how to prepare for it other than to run the other way.

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