Love is always seen as a beautiful and spectacular emotion felt for one-and-nother. You don’t think painful or agonizing when the word is spoken. We think of it in a blind and fairytale way. The way which we were bound to see love was created like white lies. It holds just enough information to make it believable but not enough to make it completely accurate. The harsh realities of love are only truly felt once they happen to you. When you tell someone you have fallen in love, they don’t steer you away from it and tell you that it will end poorly. They congratulate you and say they are so happy for you.
But why are they so happy? Love doesn’t always work out and usually isn’t very pleasant. Love has the power to break someone, make you physically ill and blind you of reality. Yeah I guess it has some great parts, but just to torture us, they always come after we felt all the pain.
The feeling of loving someone with your whole heart and knowing they don’t feel the same for you is the harshest of truths that are ignored. All you really want is for the one you love to return the feelings. There isn’t anything that you wouldn’t do for them and that dedication and caring is overlooked. You constantly question why they just wont love you again; you’re so good to them. But you can’t force someone to love you. Some are too scared to love because they fear its pain, and some are just to selfish to really care. Having to hold back the affection you want to give them is like trying not to blink. It takes more effort and thought not to do it then it does to just love them to the fullest.
I am in love with my best friend, Houston, who is currently in the navy. We were best friends for about 7 years before we started to date. The friendship just kept getting more intimate each time we were together this past year. It’s so easy to find yourself head over heels for your best friend. It is comfortable and fun and so intimate, both mentally and physically. Nothing beats the feeling of true and honest love. No matter how hard you try to fight it, it will still take over your mind. Bad timing is the easiest way to blow up a best friend love.
I promised myself that I would never fall in love with a military boy. Nothing against them, but I need too much attention to be a military wife. So, since life usually does the exact opposite of what you want, I reconnected with Houston just to find out that he was going into the navy. At first I was completely fine with it since I had no idea that he would kiss me let alone be the love of my life.
But now we are a thousand miles away, not together and confused like never before. He broke my heart in a million pieces, but I am so determined to make sure that our childhood friendship doesn’t die. He abandoned me in my deepest time of need but yet I would still give up my whole life for him. No matter what he does, and how he acts, I still know the true inter-workings of him and know he is scared. Scared to be hurt and alone. Or even worse, end up life his parents; miserable together and not in love. These fears are valid, so when we talked about breaking up before he left for the navy made sense to me. Break it off on a positive note and see what happens in the future. Little did i know that he would instantly shut down all feelings for me and be with other girls before we actually break up. But as much as that tore me apart, I knew that he shut off emotions so he didn’t have to deal with the pain and that deep down he still loved me.
I still have that gut intuition. It has been months since I have seen him, but I know that he misses and loves me, but him admitting that to himself will happen on his time and I have no control over it. I have to wait quietly and remain his friend, but show no signs of love and admiration towards him. Of course being his friend is much better than having our entire relationship abolished, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t painful to not be able to love him in the way I want. I can’t call him and ask how his day is and say ‘I love you’ at the end up the conversations. Making it look like the love is gone is the only way he will be able to find his emotions again. Playing hard to get is the best way to put that. If you are too eager and in love, the guy will be gone before you can even get all your thoughts out. I wish having someone fall in love with you was like sales. If you pitch the idea well, they might invest. I just want him to invest in me because I know we would make each other so happy and have a ton of fun at the same time. I just wish I could show him that and remind him that I will never go anywhere or hurt him. I don’t want him to be scared, because he is hurting himself by not letting himself feel to the fullest. But those are all things that I’ll never be able to make him see. He has to see it and want it on his own time. I won’t stop loving him, but I can’t show it to him the way I want without freaking him out. There is nothing I can do except live my life and try not to let this overtake me.