At this time, 3:18 am, I crawled out of Valerie’s bed and escaped from the thoughts. The racing thoughts. I have been tossing and turning for 3 hours now; I feel more tired than I did when I went to bed. Sleep is a time when most people feel safe and re-charge from the previous day. Unfortunately, there are some of us that try our best to avoid that activity at all costs whether we want to or not.
My body fights so hard to give in and let me rest for a bit, but my mind so forcefully wakes me back up and reminds me about the pain from the past. The past is the scariest topic for people to think of. The past has so many secrets to hide that we never want to cross our mind again.
Well tonight I got a little taste of all the things I have repressed from the past. I could see it all happening to me again, on replay and what felt like HD. It was over flowing my mind. I have always wonder, why me? Why did all those terrible things happen to me? Why do people find it so easy to use me and throw me away? I know it isn’t healthy to blame myself since none of it was my fault, but sometimes it’s so hard to see how it couldn’t be my fault.
It kills me that society has made sexualizing woman such a normal thing. It’s not okay that woman feel an obligation towards men and are afraid to say no. That fear grew in m at a young age and sadly shaped a lot of the decisions I made in the past. Scars don’t ever go away but they can eventually heal with the right care. Tonight, there is a pain in my scars. Bringing it all back to me like it is happening all over again. It is putting me through agony, but I won’t let them win. I will fight and I will be strong. They won’t hold me down or make me question if I’m pretty enough or cool enough ever again. I love myself and I will fight to be free from these thoughts. Some day, I might even be able to sleep without these memories attacking my mind.