Looking deeply in my past, I find an immense amount of pain and suffering that affected me profoundly more than I would have ever admitted at the time. I was always on the path to success, or what I thought would make my life successful, but I was never in control of the feelings that overtook my life. I lacked the knowledge that could have saved me long before now. Mental illness was never made aware to me and was always seen as being crazy and not normal. Of course these stereotypes are inaccurate and mental illness is a more prominent concern in the population than many know, but not being educated on the topic left me feeling lost and confused on what was “wrong” with me. I was always told that I was too sensitive when small situations effected me. No one ever understood that inside my mind, thoughts were racing and being escalated as I tried to make sense of them. My mind manipulated the facts and made it seem like everyone was after me just to make me miserable. Knowing now that I was suffering from major depression and anxiety disorder, I find myself wondering how my life could have been different if only I knew what was wrong and took the steps to getting better when I was 15 instead of 21.
But that just isn’t a logical thought. That is the past and the past allowed me to grow into the person I am today. The person who knows she is beautiful and amazing instead of ugly, fat and stupid. The help that I got at Shepard Pratt not only saved my life but allowed me to see myself as the person I truly am and love myself for that. Although I wish I could have saved myself from the pain I experienced, I am so grateful that I survived and have the opportunity for my “Re-do”.
I don’t meant the word Re-do as in going back and changing what has already been done, but in the sense of starting over right now. Changing what you want and creating a new path that will lead to your forever happiness.
Yesterday I got it as a tattoo on my wrist to cover up some of my self-harm scars. The tree represents growth and is a constant reminder that I don’t have to live on that set path that I once set for myself. I can grow into whomever I want to be; achieve the goal that make me joyful and give me the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.
There is no set time for a person to change paths or completely up root their life and start over. My time just happened to be when I had a mental break. During my process of recovery, I realized that I wasn’t doing what made me happy. I was going to school for something that I grew to hate because of moral and the fact that sitting in an office every day would continue to drive me to insanity and not help with my mental stability. Houston actually helped me see that I didn’t have to follow my life plan and that finding something that brought me joy was at the utmost of importance. I couldn’t see outside of the box that I enclosed myself in that I have other talents that I actually enjoy. I had never thought that event planning was even an option for me until he mentioned it. Everyone sees the happiness that overcomes me when I plan events, yet I had never noticed it. Now I have an internship with an event planner and will help out at my first wedding in May.
I have never been as happy as I am right now. I’m slowly getting my life back on the track that I want and really becoming the person I was meant to be. I hope that everyone can feel the happiness that I feel now. Of course I do get sad and life does get hard, but that is just par for the course. Heartbreak and being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back happens. I am not alone. But my general happiness and love for myself helps me get through the negative things that life throws at me. I can honestly say that I am proud of myself, and I am proud of everyone who is trying to find their happiness.