The pain comes, but never seems to leave. The tears, the anger and the LMN bingeing subsides and you regain your strength to go back to your normal life without having to run to the bathroom every time that song comes on or someone asks how he is doing in the navy. But there is that constant sting in the back of your chest that just seems to have made a home in your heart. No matter how many men you try to replace him with, no one seems to live up to the standards that he created for you. And certainly no one can make your stomach flip the way he did when he would pull you into his loving but muscular arms.
I thought that I was in love multiple times before Houston. Then he fell back into my life and loved me more than I had ever loved myself. I never thought that I could have such a magical and exciting relationship. He made me feel like I finally found my home.
Houston and I grew up together; we met in 8th grade band. We sat next to each other because we both played the trumpet, and when he asked me what my name was, he thought it was interesting. Apparently I was a complete bitch to him about it which doesn’t surprise me because I was a sassy girl who didn’t take any ones shit. From then on, we became friends and sat next to each other every year from then on out because we both did the bare minimum in band and ended up being the same chair rank. If you would have told me then, that he would be the man who changed my whole life, I probably would have laughed in your face and then thrown up on your shoes. He was always a goofy looking kid who thrived at being a clown. He was a great friend but I never thought I would have fallen so deeply in love with him.
I bet at this point you are wondering what happened and why my heart was shattered to pieces.
Well you are in luck, I am about a half a bottle of wine in and am in the mood to confess my inner-feelings. We reconnected after not seeing each other for about 2 years. I went off to college after graduation and was with a different guy for 3 years. Once I broke it off with him, I realized that I had drifted from some of my guy friends while in this other relationship. So I texted Houston and we made plans for him to come visit me at school. He came, we ate Chinese, caught up, partied and stayed up talking until he threw up. We had so much fun reconnecting and we ended the visit with a hangover breakfast that he actually bought for me. From then on, we kept in touch, and when I came home for breaks we made sure to grab food together and go on adventures. There was never a dull moment with the two of us. Eventually it evolved into a friends with benefits type of relationship. I was single and throwing myself at men who weren’t worth it, and he was very unexperienced. We figured why not help each other out since we’re already unbelievably close and it would save me from other reckless behavior. We would talk about absolutely everything. Nothing was held back.
We went over to his buddy’s house one night about a week or so after his grandmother passed. We partied with his friends a bit like we normally did. Although this night was drastically different. Houston hadn’t dealt with his feelings towards the death of his grandmother until that night. He drank a little too much and got very emotional. His friends were being assholes about it so I called an Uber to take us home so I could take care of him. We were laying in his bed and he was just lying in my arms extremely upset when he begins to confess his love to me. Although I was very resistant for a few weeks, that was the start to the best thing that has ever happened to me.
That sounds like a lovely beginning to a child’s book happy ending. Although being Cinderella is every little girls dream, my dream as a girl was to be like Queen Elizabeth. Beautiful, powerful, and a house full of Welsh Corgi’s! Those who have ambition rarely get a happy ending the first time around. Is Queen Elizabeth even Married, or are her dogs all the company a woman really needs? I digress…
From the beginning, I knew he was joining the navy, we just didn’t know when his ship out date would be. Once we decided that our relationship extended more than just friends, we decided to casually see each other since he would be leaving soon. It was very under wraps and personal since we assumed it wouldn’t last. Why we thought that best friends who know everything about each other and have amazing sex could keep it casual is beyond me.
We found out his ship date wasn’t in the 3 months we thought it would be, but in 7 months. My excitement was overwhelming because I got just a little more time with him and we could celebrate our 21st birthdays together. Fun fact, he is 9 days younger than me. Watch out, I’m a cougar!
I won’t go through every glorious moment and every hard moment that we shared, but just know, that it was a dream relationship. They always say that you should marry your best friend, and I whole heartedly agree with that statement. I just wish that the timing worked out better in my case.
Near the end of the summer when he was preparing to go off to boot camp is when things started to fall apart for us. I was living two hours away for work and then my last year of school, and he was about to do something that would change his life forever. He was very determined to make the most out of his last few months with his friends. He had just turned 21 and wanted to go out and be a 21-year-old before he had a Sargent screaming in his ear and not being able to poop in privacy. I completely understood that, but I became his last priority. During this time I was going through a dramatic stage of my life as well. I started purging every night and my depression was coming back full force. I lived with it for eight years, but never had any control over when it showed its face. I was in need of a lot of help but needed support to find that help. Houston had no idea how to help, so his solution was to not talk about it and avoid me. I was very needy during that period and would call him over and over again during panick attacks and times I had the urge to cut. He didn’t understand the severity of the mind set that I was in. If he was with his friends, he would never answer my calls. I honestly think he thought I just wanted attention, but really I just didn’t want to kill myself because of the place my depression was putting me in. He would always tell me that he didn’t have a choice when he couldn’t talk to me and that his friends decided when they had to go out. But if he really cared about my wellbeing, he would have found a way to call me and talk me off the ledge. My mom came to stay with me for a few days when I felt it was too dangerous for me to be living alone in Philadelphia. That next morning I woke up with a vision of myself lying on the kitchen floor bleeding out. That is what my brain wanted me to do. So I of course reacted with scissors to my wrist, where I hadn’t cut since highschool. My mother took me home so we could get help and I desperately wanted Houston around but it was so hard to reach him. He was never around when I needed him the most. That night I came home, I begged him to take me out to get pie so I wouldn’t be alone, and becasue I was craving cherry pie. I was hoping that he would stay over night and comfort me since I just harmed myself very badly and basically dropped out of school all in one night. He chose to go out to party with his friends, get drunk and cheat on me. The next night, he cheated on me again but with a different girl.
Do you know that feeling when you feel like something happened and you are like 99% sure it happened even though you have no proof? That is how I felt that next week. I knew he cheated on me. After knowing a guy for 7 years, you tend to know them better than yourself. I asked him over and over again and he claimed he would never do that to me. In the middle of the night after I knew he was asleep, I got out of my bed and looked through his phone. This was something that I had never done before because he would normally just give me his phone if I needed it so I always trusted him enough not to snoop. But there it was. Texts. To basically all of his friends too. The one girl left her panties at his cousins apartment where this allegedly went down and his cousins girlfriend sent an angry message to Houston with a picture of the pink lace panties. He must have been proud of this because he sent it to all of his friends like it was a badge of honor to cheat on your best friend.
Anyways, before I get to drunkenly mad about the past, I should move on. This bastard is still my best friend and I forgave him for everything. We broke up because his love for me had died and screwing random girls he finds at the bar better suits his needs.
My theory is that he pushed all of his feelings for me down because he knew he was leaving and we would break up and he wanted to protect himself from feeling any sort of heart-break or pain. He says that maybe in the future, if we find our way back to each other, we could be together again. The boy just wants to live a little before he settles down. If I watched my parents bitch at each other constantly then I guess I would run too.
He is in the Navy now, stationed in Pensacola, Florida for A-School training. For a while we talked a lot and now not so much. He is on my mind every single second of every single day. I know that he is my soul mate. They say that a person has multiple soul mates, and if that is true, then I am certain that he is at least one of mine. For a while I was holding onto the idea that he would come back to me, but I don’t deserve to sit around and wait for a man who broke me to pieces. I had three rules in our relationship; don’t cheat, don’t lie and don’t smoke cigs. He broke all three of these easy rules. If he would have cheated and then told me right away instead of lie to me 20 times, it wouldn’t have hurt me as bad. All a girl wants is some honesty. Is that so hard to achieve anymore?
I wish that I hated him and that I never wanted to see his face or hear his voice ever again. I wish I could feel nothing for him but that just isn’t possible for the girl who loves with her whole heart. I hate who he has become, but I love the soul behind those confused eyes. I have gone on a few dates since then and have had many suitors, but they are just a distraction. Once I leave them, my mine goes back to this man who refuses to love me. I worry about him everyday, wishing I could help him study because I know he is struggling with this one class. I worry about the girls that he is sleeping with and if they being safe so he doesn’t pick up any diseases. But worse of all, I worry about his general happiness. I worry that he wakes up every morning and dreads pulling his body out of bed. I worry about him making new friends because of how shy he is around new people. I want him to succeed when people think I should want him to fail. Him failing would make me just as unhappy as it would him. I love him so much that it kills me every time I think about the fact that I have no idea when I will see him again. It also kills me that I can’t share with him how well I am doing since I left the mental institutions out-patient program. It isn’t just missing the way he kisses me or how it felt to lay on his chest; its miss the conversations and the jokes and the weird things we would do. I can even say that I even sort of miss the wet willy’s that he would give when I wasnt looking or the Dutch Ovens that I would desperately try to escape.
My last confession which is probably never going to be read since I droned on and on, is that even after everything he has put me through, I would probably take him back in an instant if he asked. I tell myself that I would make him work for it because I deserve to be fought for, but I love him too much to ever let a chance to be with him again slip through my finger tips.
Love is such a ridiculous emotion. It can make you the happiest human being on the planet when you have it, but can also be the most torturing and devastating emotion that someone can feel. We just have to figure out if it is worth the pain and suffering. I think it is worth every ounce of tears that fall from the brim of you nose. I just hope that one day, I will be able to experience the feeling of pure and untainted love once again.